End of the Line...This Time

I feel like I can finally write something about what happened on December 3rd. I miscarried at about 4:30 a.m. The pain was terrible, the blood loss was frightening, and I hope never to go through that again unless it produces a baby. I have been learning to cope with the loss. Never have I lost something of my own flesh and blood, my own little baby, so this has been a completely new experience for me. I find myself in a strange place. All of my prior sacrifices are now almost completely useless. All my pain, nausea, fatigue and discomfort have now become one simple thing...a tool by which I may know the suffering of others. That is something I recognized pretty quickly, that I could now see women who miscarry in a different light. I now have empathy.
So if at times I appear sullen (more than usual) or don't respond to certain happy events it's not because I do not feel joy for you. I am very happy to have many friends and family who are pregnant. Just know what has transpired.

Yikes

I just realized as I was reading through a 'checklist' of to-do's on thebump.com that I'm not ready to do this! I've always wanted a baby and yearned for the day I would have a husband and children, but I'm not sure I'm ready. Up until just now, all of my thoughts have been focused on making it through the pregnancy. I didn't even think about the beyond...about pediatricians and immunizations and all that happens with actually having the baby here. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed just now.

Brr...and Metallic Mouth

Has anyone noticed that the weather has gotten totally COLD today? I'm freezing my tootsies off. I thought I would be warmer...being pregnant. It's a mixed blessing that I am not. I have discovered that getting over-heated aggravates my morning sickness. Take for example this morning at the 7 a.m. sealing session in the Jordan River Temple. I was over-heated and kneeling on the altar proved to be too much for my pregnant tummy! At least I was blessed to worship and serve in the Lord's house for a few minutes. I have had a rough day of it in general with feeling woozy. I'm hoping this is the peak of morning sickness and that from here I'll start feeling better.
So, two days ago I made homemade cookies on a whim and they are delicious. The only problem is that eating the cookies with milk coordinated with the next phase of pregnancy symptoms...metallic mouth. Yup. Half the food I eat any more leaves a metallic flavor in my mouth following my munchings and crunchings (I've been reading The Book of Three lately...if you know the book, you'll know the reference). I have resorted to purchasing mint-flavored gum and chewing said gum after eating to kill the after taste. I really don't care for gum, but this has been a good thing so far.

On the Flip Side

I have been focusing a lot in this blog about the physical ups and downs of pregnancy. The last few days an impression has come over me to write something of the spiritual and to share what I have experienced thus far. It is an amazing thing to realize for the first time what it is like to be a co-creator with God. I frequently meditate and ponder over the love of God, especially in sending His Only-Begotten to suffer and die for the iniquities of His children. I suddenly have no difficulty in understanding how the God of Heaven can indeed weep over His creation. Even in this, I feel that this child who is coming to our family will be the source of great joy to Isaac and I. I feel so close to God, what a blessing!

The First's the Worst

That little phrase has a lot of truth...especially when it comes to certain aspects of pregnancy. So much is unexpected and your body has not gone through these changes previously. It's quite an adventure. I didn't expect my first visit to the OBGYN to follow the same pattern, but, alas!, it was one of the worst I will probably have (barring unexpected problems in my pregnancy!).
I went to the OBGYN's office this morning fully expecting certain things such as attempts to hear the baby's heartbeat, etc. What I wasn't expecting was to receive a full examination, pap smear and all. I had a pap smear once before (right before my wedding), but unfortunate timing lead to an unreadable result. Pucha! This being the case, I did not expect to have a pap smear TODAY by my male OBGYN in front of my husband. Truly, though, the situation wasn't uncomfortable...just the procedure and the following feelings of physical invasion. Other than the pap smear, the visit included Dr. Merrill informing me of several things, asking me questions about lifestyle and such (and the subsequent conclusion that I am 'boring'), a failed attempt to hear the baby's heartbeat, a visit to the nurse, a bag of free goodies, and a visit to the person who Dr. Merrill referred to as the "vampire". I think Isaac was more freaked by the experience than I. Luckily the next visit on the first week in December will be very relaxed compared to this one. Hallelujah.

A Pause in the Blogging

It has now been several days since I have blogged...that is partially due to the fact that I have gone a few days without a computer. My laptop has a small wire that has burned out or something so now the battery no longer charges when I plug it in. Sad news. So Isaac and I have been discussing the purchase of a new computer whilst shopping around a while. We finally decided on buying an HP from Walmart, since their prices were indeed the lowest. This new computer comes with Windows 7 (and it does have some nice perks), a 20" screen, and all kinds of fun. The only thing I bemoan is it isn't my laptop...it isn't portable. But yeah. Back to pregnancy news.
I will be seeing my OBGYN on Wednesday this week...in less than 48 hours. I am excited to actually feel the confirmation that something indeed is happening inside me and the possibility of hearing a heartbeat will help me feel that, indeed, I am having a baby. Who knows what the visit will bring. I think Isaac is excited to be able to go with me and learn about my pregnancy with me. It's his fault, after all. Besides upcoming appointments, I am tired, hungry, and a little nauseated most of the time. Nothing new there to report. :)

Eating, Eating, and More Eating!!!

I feel like all I do any more is eat and sleep. I eat, drink, sit for a second, then out of the blue I am ravenously hungry once more! My eyes begin to wander desperately searching for a source of nutrition that will not cause my stomach to churn too badly. The staple right now is unsalted saltines. (Seems a strange idea, but okay.) I am now in love with red vines. I can eat them by the fistful and still go back for more. Isaac purchased a 4 lb. container of them and I have been having a hay day over the last 24 hours. The need to feed is not so bad when I am at home, but can be quite inconvenient when I am at work. I frequently wander into the kitchen to grab a cracker from my purse and nibble it as inconspicuously as possible. If I ate in front of the ladies I work with they would expect to receive some food too! So for now I sneak about and feed my cravings in shadowy corners away from wandering eyes.
You'd think that all this eating would have me gaining lots of weight. Not so. I have lost a pound.

Cravings

It has been a strange thing dealing with cravings and such things on top of morning sickness. I am starving the vast majority of the time I am awake, and yet I don't feel like eating anything. Sometimes it takes seeing or smelling something that makes me have an actual craving. For example, today I walked into my apartment after work and smelled maple syrup. I thought perhaps Isaac had made pancakes and eaten them with syrup...but I discovered that what had really taken place was that he had made up the rest of the maple syrup sausage and eaten it. But the cogs in my head were already turning over the subject of pancakes. I quickly discovered that I wanted them. Blueberry pancakes doused in maple syrup. I avoided following through since I knew that cooking the pancakes would take more time than I felt I could spare...being tired from work. I sat for a while, indecisive until my stomach decided for me. It's so strange being so tired most nights and yet being so starved that I have to eat then or never. It's kinda annoying actually to jump up in the middle of the night with a craving. I hope it's only a first trimester thing, since I only have 3 more weeks to go.

Nausea

Today has been a bad day for feeling nauseated. I have been chewing down ginger snaps (at Amy's suggestion) by the dozens, and though they have helped for a little while, the nausea is soon to return. Unlike previous experiences I have had with morning sickness, the last 24 hours I have been gagging at the slightest provocation. This morning even the smell of my poor husband was almost too much for me. I really hope that this will end soon!

Sickening Smells

Well, the time has finally hit when smells are getting to me. It is amazing to me how something I only barely noticed now has become such a big issue. For example, garlic can be quite a turn-off when it is strong, but I can't stand the slightest whiff of it right now! (Isaac has been banned from purchasing his favorite garlic bread.) Things that are rotting/going bad are detestable. My perfume that I kept for myself from the Mary Kay stuff is gross smelling now.
As for things that smell good, well, they are few and far between. The one thing that I find surprising is that pickles smell extremely good to me (though they taste about the same as always). I commented to one of my coworkers the other day that if the juice from pickles was a perfume, I'd probably be wearing it.

Another Dream

I invariably am dreaming about baby/babies. The other day I had a dream that I was at Walmart with Isaac and our *twin* boys. We were in a panic and searching over and over for car seats. Of course, Walmart was retarded in my dream and didn't have any car seats. I then spent tons of money on purchasing a double-seated stroller. It was crazy how much I was panicking. Crazy also was the fact that I had *twin* boys. I hope that that won't happen!

Dreaming

So being pregnant has created a whole new realm of dreams for me. I have had violent, terrible dreams, dreams about worries I have, and just plain strange pregnancy-related dreams. The most notable dream I had recently had some really funny elements to it. One thing I recalled to Isaac the next morning was that a lady in the dream warned me that if a bird pooped on my head I would go into preterm labor. Another thing I was told was that 'girls are poison'. Twice. I guess that was referring to the gender of my baby? It was kinda funny, but kinda weird.

The Black List

I have a small, but growing list of foods that are No-No's during my pregnancy...they just don't appeal any more.

1. Subway Sandwiches (in general). I first began experiencing morning sickness after consuming a subway sandwich. It wasn't that good to begin with as it had mayonnaise (a big no-no, pregnant or not), and the bread was doughy in the middle. Blech!

2. Snickers. Isaac lovingly purchased a king-sized Snickers candy bar for me. He brought it home late one night and I was too tired to eat it. The next day I opened the wrapper and popped half the bar in my mouth and began chewing. To my horror it tasted AWFUL! The sugary sweetness became too much for me and I could feel this awful gagging sensation at the back of my mouth as my body cried "spit it out! Spit it out!!!" Yeah. Sadness.

3. Popcorn. I ate popcorn today. I'm feeling really sick now. Oh well.

I'm sure the list will grow, but so far, that is what I have had to give up as a pregnant woman.

The Beginning

So I have been thinking about blogging on my pregnancy experience and have finally decided it was time. I'm 7 weeks pregnant today...every Wednesday will be my week-starter. In 3 weeks, at the beginning of week 10, I am going to my first appointment with my OBGYN. It will be exciting.
Being pregnant has been exciting in general. I check up on different websites to see how far along my baby is, that what I'm experiencing is normal, and what kinds of things I should do/not do. Isaac and I frequently talk about our baby as what size it currently is (right now it is a 'blueberry') and talk about baby wanting this and baby needing that.
Welcome to my new blog!