End of the Line...This Time

I feel like I can finally write something about what happened on December 3rd. I miscarried at about 4:30 a.m. The pain was terrible, the blood loss was frightening, and I hope never to go through that again unless it produces a baby. I have been learning to cope with the loss. Never have I lost something of my own flesh and blood, my own little baby, so this has been a completely new experience for me. I find myself in a strange place. All of my prior sacrifices are now almost completely useless. All my pain, nausea, fatigue and discomfort have now become one simple thing...a tool by which I may know the suffering of others. That is something I recognized pretty quickly, that I could now see women who miscarry in a different light. I now have empathy.
So if at times I appear sullen (more than usual) or don't respond to certain happy events it's not because I do not feel joy for you. I am very happy to have many friends and family who are pregnant. Just know what has transpired.

Yikes

I just realized as I was reading through a 'checklist' of to-do's on thebump.com that I'm not ready to do this! I've always wanted a baby and yearned for the day I would have a husband and children, but I'm not sure I'm ready. Up until just now, all of my thoughts have been focused on making it through the pregnancy. I didn't even think about the beyond...about pediatricians and immunizations and all that happens with actually having the baby here. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed just now.

Brr...and Metallic Mouth

Has anyone noticed that the weather has gotten totally COLD today? I'm freezing my tootsies off. I thought I would be warmer...being pregnant. It's a mixed blessing that I am not. I have discovered that getting over-heated aggravates my morning sickness. Take for example this morning at the 7 a.m. sealing session in the Jordan River Temple. I was over-heated and kneeling on the altar proved to be too much for my pregnant tummy! At least I was blessed to worship and serve in the Lord's house for a few minutes. I have had a rough day of it in general with feeling woozy. I'm hoping this is the peak of morning sickness and that from here I'll start feeling better.
So, two days ago I made homemade cookies on a whim and they are delicious. The only problem is that eating the cookies with milk coordinated with the next phase of pregnancy symptoms...metallic mouth. Yup. Half the food I eat any more leaves a metallic flavor in my mouth following my munchings and crunchings (I've been reading The Book of Three lately...if you know the book, you'll know the reference). I have resorted to purchasing mint-flavored gum and chewing said gum after eating to kill the after taste. I really don't care for gum, but this has been a good thing so far.

On the Flip Side

I have been focusing a lot in this blog about the physical ups and downs of pregnancy. The last few days an impression has come over me to write something of the spiritual and to share what I have experienced thus far. It is an amazing thing to realize for the first time what it is like to be a co-creator with God. I frequently meditate and ponder over the love of God, especially in sending His Only-Begotten to suffer and die for the iniquities of His children. I suddenly have no difficulty in understanding how the God of Heaven can indeed weep over His creation. Even in this, I feel that this child who is coming to our family will be the source of great joy to Isaac and I. I feel so close to God, what a blessing!

The First's the Worst

That little phrase has a lot of truth...especially when it comes to certain aspects of pregnancy. So much is unexpected and your body has not gone through these changes previously. It's quite an adventure. I didn't expect my first visit to the OBGYN to follow the same pattern, but, alas!, it was one of the worst I will probably have (barring unexpected problems in my pregnancy!).
I went to the OBGYN's office this morning fully expecting certain things such as attempts to hear the baby's heartbeat, etc. What I wasn't expecting was to receive a full examination, pap smear and all. I had a pap smear once before (right before my wedding), but unfortunate timing lead to an unreadable result. Pucha! This being the case, I did not expect to have a pap smear TODAY by my male OBGYN in front of my husband. Truly, though, the situation wasn't uncomfortable...just the procedure and the following feelings of physical invasion. Other than the pap smear, the visit included Dr. Merrill informing me of several things, asking me questions about lifestyle and such (and the subsequent conclusion that I am 'boring'), a failed attempt to hear the baby's heartbeat, a visit to the nurse, a bag of free goodies, and a visit to the person who Dr. Merrill referred to as the "vampire". I think Isaac was more freaked by the experience than I. Luckily the next visit on the first week in December will be very relaxed compared to this one. Hallelujah.

A Pause in the Blogging

It has now been several days since I have blogged...that is partially due to the fact that I have gone a few days without a computer. My laptop has a small wire that has burned out or something so now the battery no longer charges when I plug it in. Sad news. So Isaac and I have been discussing the purchase of a new computer whilst shopping around a while. We finally decided on buying an HP from Walmart, since their prices were indeed the lowest. This new computer comes with Windows 7 (and it does have some nice perks), a 20" screen, and all kinds of fun. The only thing I bemoan is it isn't my laptop...it isn't portable. But yeah. Back to pregnancy news.
I will be seeing my OBGYN on Wednesday this week...in less than 48 hours. I am excited to actually feel the confirmation that something indeed is happening inside me and the possibility of hearing a heartbeat will help me feel that, indeed, I am having a baby. Who knows what the visit will bring. I think Isaac is excited to be able to go with me and learn about my pregnancy with me. It's his fault, after all. Besides upcoming appointments, I am tired, hungry, and a little nauseated most of the time. Nothing new there to report. :)

Eating, Eating, and More Eating!!!

I feel like all I do any more is eat and sleep. I eat, drink, sit for a second, then out of the blue I am ravenously hungry once more! My eyes begin to wander desperately searching for a source of nutrition that will not cause my stomach to churn too badly. The staple right now is unsalted saltines. (Seems a strange idea, but okay.) I am now in love with red vines. I can eat them by the fistful and still go back for more. Isaac purchased a 4 lb. container of them and I have been having a hay day over the last 24 hours. The need to feed is not so bad when I am at home, but can be quite inconvenient when I am at work. I frequently wander into the kitchen to grab a cracker from my purse and nibble it as inconspicuously as possible. If I ate in front of the ladies I work with they would expect to receive some food too! So for now I sneak about and feed my cravings in shadowy corners away from wandering eyes.
You'd think that all this eating would have me gaining lots of weight. Not so. I have lost a pound.